I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I lost the right to judge tonight
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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