party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
