I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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