Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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