1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
