Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
