you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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