he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
