we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
