this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
