She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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