so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
