Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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