I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
