Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize