On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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