Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my phone needs a breathalizer
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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