I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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