next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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