Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
