Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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