mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
