i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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