I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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