I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
