I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All the doctor said was why
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
