How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
