dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
