a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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