So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
