Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
