I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
