I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
