She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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