I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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