I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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