Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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