The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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