Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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