Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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