Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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