My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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