Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She's the barista slut.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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