Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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