i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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