oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Don't make out with my wife yet
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
