Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize