Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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