dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
