One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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