So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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