Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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