I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
