Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
