Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
