Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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